The Great Muppet Detective Part 3 - Enter Kermit the Frog
Down below, Bubbles and Fozzie have arrived at Baker Street. Fozzie knocks, and a housekeeper, opens the door, her arms full of books, blankets and pillows, as well as a teacup and medieval mace. She is a slender, yet obese, pig with fair skin, blonde hair, blue eyes, lavender eyelids, and black eyelashes, wearing long opera gloves, a white pearl necklace, a matching ring on her left ring finger, a red strapless dress, and matching pumps. Her name is Miss Piggy.) *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: Bonsoir, mes amis (chuckles) (Fozzie removes his hat courteously.) *Brock/Dawson: Good evening, miss. Is this the residence of Kermit of Baker Street? *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: I'm afraid it is. He's not here at the moment, but you're welcome to come in and wait. *Fozzie/Dawson: Oh, I-I don't want to impose. It's just...the girl. (He gestures towards his side, but Bubbles isn't there. Fozzie and Miss Piggy look inside, where Bubbles is already seated on an armchair with plastic covering over it by the fireplace, examining a magnifying glass with interest. Her clothes are soaking wet from the rain, though.) *Bubbles/Olivia: La la la la (giggles) La la! (Miss Piggy thrusts her load into Fozzie's arms and rushes to her side.) *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: (concerned) Oh my! You poor dear! You must be chilled to the bone! (She takes the wet dress and stockings off Bubbles and wrings them dry. Then she removes the wet shoes from Bubbles, wraps a towel around the girl, removes the plastic covering from the chair, and provides her a pair of white, ankle-length leggings that both have lace decorating the ankles and are 50% nylon and 50% cotton, a long baby blue flannel nightgown with long sleeves, and a pair of matching fuzzy slippers that look like ballet flats.) *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: (chuckling) Oh, but I know just the thing. Let me fetch you a pot of tea and some of my fresh cheese crumpets. (She rushes to the Laundromat and shuts the door.) (As a now-dry Bubbles puts on the white leggings, baby blue nightgown, and slippers, she looks around the room, fascinated by what she sees. A small propeller is operating a bellow, and attached to that are several cigarettes and a pipe, all of which are puffing.) *Bubbles/Olivia: Cool! (On another table, four different pairs of shoes are being turned in a circular motion, first being brushed with black paint, and then setting a print on a stack of paper. Fozzie has taken off his hat and is now hanging up his coat when he hears a voice coming from the front door.) *Unknown Voice: (triumphantly) Ah-ha! The villain's slipped this time! I shall have him! (The door bursts open to reveal a tall, extremely slender skeleton with an animated skull and bony fingers, wearing a Gothic-style tuxedo and a bat-like bow-tie. His name is Jack Skellington. He smiles triumphantly with a gun in his hand as lightning strikes.) (Fozzie is petrified as Jack bursts inside, rushing towards one of the many tables.) *Fozzie/Dawson: A SKELETON!!! *Jack Skellington/Disguised Criminal: Out of my way! Out of my way! *Fozzie/Dawson: I say, who - (His question is cut short as Jack's bow-tie is thrown directly on his own neck. He takes it off and addresses him once more.) *Fozzie/Dawson: Who are you? *Jack Skellington/Disguised Criminal: (speaking more normally) What? (He pauses and turns to Fozzie.) Oh! (He reaches up and pulls off what turns out to be a mask to reveal a slender frog with green skin, white eyes with black stilted pupils, a pair of 4 fingers and thumbs, and an olive drab collar with 11 points. He is known as the one and only Kermit the Frog.) *Kermit the Frog/Basil: (formally) Hi ho, everyone! Kermit the Frog of Baker Street, my good fellow. (Kermit smiles at Fozzie's confused stare. He pulls at a tab on his coat, which lets air escape to reveal his slender form, surprising Fozzie even more. Bubbles, on the other hand, is relieved to see him, cheers for him, and approaches eagerly.) *Bubbles/Olivia: Kermit the Frog! I need your help, and I- (Kermit is clearly not listening to her as he changes from his Jack Skellington costume to a white shirt with rolled-up sleeves, a green necktie, a wine-colored waistcoat, brown pants, black shoes with white spats on them, and a burgundy bathrobe. He tosses a dart over his shoulder, scoring a direct bullseye on the dartboard.) *Kermit/Basil: All in good time. *Bubbles/Olivia: (more desperately) But-but you don't understand. I'm in terrible trouble. *Kermit/Basil: (ignoring Annie) If you'll excuse me. *Bubbles/Olivia: But-- (Kermit walks by, and Bubbles sighs.) *Fozzie/Dawson: (impatiently) Here, now, now. Now see here! (He shakes a finger at Kermit, who once more rushes right by the two of them. Fozzie pauses momentarily, but soon regains his wind.) *Fozzie/Dawson: This young lady is in need of assistance. I think you ought... *Kermit/Basil: (interrupting him by handing him the gun) Will you hold this, please, doctor? *Fozzie/Dawson: (accepting disgracefully) Of course. (But with his eyes closed, he doesn't realize at first what he's holding and points the gun at his head. He opens his eyes, and then nervously holds it out at arms length until Kermit retrieves it.) *Fozzie/Dawson: (puzzled) Ah, wait just a moment. How did you know I was a doctor? *Kermit/Basil: (picks up a single bullet and places it in the gun, all the meanwhile answering Brock without interruption.) A surgeon, to be exact. Just returned from military duty in Afghanistan. Am I right? *Fozzie/Dawson: Why...(chuckles) Oh, yes. Major Fozzie Q. Bear. But how could you possibly- *Kermit/Basil: Quite simple, really. (He holds up Fozzie's arm to reveal a small stitch on his coat sleeve.) *Kermit/Basil: You've sewn your torn cuff together with the Lambert stitch, which of course, only a surgeon uses. (He pauses when a fly buzzes by him.) *Kermit/Basil: Ah, one second. (slurps the fly) Darn, I missed! So, anyway... (He continues speaking as he gathers several pillows.) *Kermit/Basil: And the thread is a unique form of catgut distinguished by its (whispering to Bubbles) peculiar pungency (Bubbles is bewildered.) found only in the Afghan provinces. (One by one, Kermit tosses the three pillows at Fozzie, who holds them against his body, his face mostly covered with one pillow in his face.) *Fozzie/Dawson: (with the pillow in his face) Amazing! *Kermit/Basil: (smilingly) Actually it's...elementary, my dear Fozzie. (Kermit spins the revolver and aims it at the pillows.) *Kermit/Basil: You better take cover right now. It's part of the experiment. *Fozzie/Dawson: Is it safe? *Kermit/Basil: Don't know. Never tried it. (Fozzie looks around in terror, spits the pillow out, and throws it and the rest of the pillows onto an armchair. As Kermit calmly readjusts his aim, Fozzie jumps behind the opposite chair, seizing Bubbles' arm and bringing her behind it. The gun fires, and pillow feathers fly as they cautiously peek out. Kermit blows smoke from the revolver.) *Kermit/Basil: My favorite amphibian! (Miss Piggy rushes out from the kitchen at the stentorian report.) *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: (panicking) What in heaven's name? (Soon, she discovers her pillows are nothing but feathers.) (distraught) Oh! Oh! My... (She spits out several feathers.) MY GOOD PILLOWS! (She glares angrily in Kermit's direction. He is kneeling in the chair, tossing the feathers aside.) *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: KERMIT THE FROG! (He pops his head above the chair and gasps in shock as she spits out more feathers.) *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: How many times have I told you not to... *Kermit/Basil: (flapping his hands in the air as if he is flying) There, there, Miss Piggy, it's quite all right. (He smells cheese crumpets from the kitchen.) Ah...(sniffs) Mmm! I believe I smell some of those delightful cheese crumpets of yours. And I think they're burning. *Miss Piggy/Mrs. Judson: Burning? Oh no! (She stammers nervously as she rushes back to the kitchen.) Oh! Oh! I'll be right back! Mailman! (Kermit shuts the door, silencing her.) *Kermit/Basil: Now... (He gets on his hands and knees and searches on the floor.) *Kermit/Basil: I know that bullet's here somewhere. (Bubbles has found it and is holding it up for him. He takes it.) *Kermit/Basil: (grudgingly, like Sylvester) Thank you, Miss... *Bubbles/Olivia: Utonium. Bubbles Utonium. *Kermit/Basil: (distracted) Whatever. *Bubbles/Olivia: Yes, but you don't understand-- *Kermit/Basil: Shhh! (Ash opens a small box and pulls out another bullet. Taking the one he just fired, he puts them under a microscope and compares their markings.) *Kermit/Basil: Hmm... Let's see if those two bullets are identical. (The first reading matches...) *Kermit/Basil: Yeah... (...so does the second one.) *Kermit/Basil: Yes! (However, from the third direction, the markings go off in separate directions.) *Kermit/Basil: (yells) NOOOOOOOOOO! Drat! (pants heavily) (depressed) Another dead end. (Dejected, Kermit tosses the extra bullet aside and slowly walks over to his chair.) *Kermit/Basil: He was within my grasp. (He flops into his chair and slowly reaches for the violin sitting beside him.) 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